The holiday season starts whenever you want it to. That also means that, if you feel that strongly about it, it never has to end. But for most people, the "normal" ones, if you will, the holiday season's official beginning was sometime over the past couple of weeks. Now that the Thanksgiving feasts and subsequent leftovers have been devoured, it's time to break out the Santa decorations, the lights, the candy canes, and everything else red, white, and green that you could find, and bring in the Christmas season.
Mariah Carey's time has finally come. Michael Buble just picked up his best suits from the cleaners. Camila Cabello is researching the next song she's going to butcher in the White House (probably). It's time to drop the needle on those classic Christmas records, and overplay them just as much as the radio stations are about to. Sure, a lot of the songs are retreads of classics recorded nearly a century ago, but every once in a while, a classic can be created from the most unlikely of places.
In 1987, Bob Rivers released the holiday album Twisted Christmas, and changed my family's holiday traditions forever (before I was even born). Rivers, a Baltimore- and Seattle-based radio host, had spent his career living up to the "Twisted" moniker he used to brand his series of holiday parody songs. While they all have the same sass and tongue-in-cheek quality, there's one particular song that became the reason the album was certified gold.
Keeping the same theme of the original--save for the odd amount of bird-related gifts--"The Twelve Pains of Christmas" is the perfect Christmas song for people who hate Christmas songs, the "holiday spirit," or anything that ends up getting overexaggerated throughout December. It's also a humble reflection on how, despite it being the most wonderful time of the year, the holiday season still comes with its inconveniences. Rivers and his hired hands perfectly convey those pains, and make us all feel a little more connected in the dark side of the hustle and bustle. Now, a staggering 35 years after its initial release, it's still evergreen that these "pains" will pop up now and again. However, let's be real here: times have changed, and the pains of Christmas may look a little different now. But do the 12 selections Rivers made in the 1980s hold up now? To find that out, we're going to rank the pains through the present-day lens. In making these rankings, I took into account how relevant each pain is today, whether or not it can be avoided in the modern age, and how the voice actor performed in their opportunities throughout the song. With that, let's get to the rankings!
12. Pain #11: "Stale TV Specials"
We begin this countdown with a series of pains that the 2020s have rendered completely avoidable. Despite copyright issues preventing us from knowing exactly what Pain #11 is referring to, it's almost certainly talking about the stop-motion classics like Rudolph, or early animated classics like Frosty the Snowman and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Despite the fact that these specials likely hold a special place in the hearts of many, the advent of streaming, and having the options to miss these specials altogether, choosing to watch your serial killer documentaries instead. Those are always in season, I suppose.
11. Pain #1: "Finding a Christmas Tree" Another pain whose intensity has subsided over the years. Finding a Christmas tree can be another great family tradition, but many people have begun to skip this step of their holiday preparation by buying an artificial tree. There are a lot of upsides to an artificial tree, especially now that you can buy one with lights already installed on it. If you really think finding a tree is a pain, you have a myriad of options to avoid that stress these days.
10. Pain #12: "Singing Christmas Carols" This pain would likely be higher in the rankings if it wasn't for one of the most iconic lines about Christmas being introduced to the public in Will Ferrell's instant-classic movie Elf. "The best way to spread Christmas Cheer is singing loud for all to hear" is a reminder to us all that even in the most hectic times of the holiday season, singing along to Mariah, or Bing, or any of the other countless classics can help us reset and remind ourselves why it'll all be worth it come Christmas Day.
9. Pain #4: "Sending Christmas Cards" This is a tradition that I've picked up over the past couple of years, and while I love it and plan to do it forever more, I do see the downsides. It's a very manual, time-consuming process to take the nice picture, make the cards (likely on Shutterfly, of course), write a nice message to spread cheer, buy stamps (UGH), and hope you wrote the addresses legibly enough on the envelopes. I can see why some people skip it altogether. However, there have been a few different options pop up that allow you to send the card digitally, which eases the process ever so slightly.
8. Pain #10: "Batteries Not Included" We've reached the point in the list where there's not really a modern solution that makes things more tolerable here. While there are a lot of devices that have rechargeable batteries, those that still require two AA, three AAA, or any other type of batter that Duracell or Energizer can make, can really become an inconvenience after the wrapping paper has been thrashed off and strewn about. It means more money spent, and it's an easy box to forget to check off. Just make everything solar-powered already, is it so hard?
7. Pain 9: "Finding Parking Spaces" While you can say that online shopping's eruption has made the struggle for a space easier, there's still going to be a time or two around the holidays where you have to make that dreaded trip to the grocery store, or a last-minute run to the mall, and the day you go is the day that no one remembers how to drive or park properly. It's a problem that we'll simply never figure out how to solve, and that only makes it more annoying.
6. Pain #7: "The Salvation Army (Donations)" Let's make sure I'm on the right side of this argument: you should absolutely give to charity, if you have the means, during the holidays. There's always someone who has it worse than you, and they could really use your help this time of year. But how the hell did we figure out that the best way to get donations is by the insanity-inducing ringing of those goddamn bells? There simply must be a better way, we just need to find it. The actor during Pain #7 gets extra credit here for the perfect delivery of "GET A JOB, YOU BUM," and he also adds the element of an audio universe when he steps on his wife's delivery in pain #6 by shouting "...And what do you mean, YOUR in-laws?" as well. It's a perfect illustration of how mounting frustrations can really ruin your holiday.
5. Pain #5: "5 Months of Bills" You're never going to believe me, but I didn't put the fifth pain in fifth place on purpose. It does fit, though. No matter how you carve the holiday feast, your wallet after December is going to feel a lot lighter, and there's seemingly no way to avoid it without alienating your loved ones. You just have to suck it up, and spend with a smile. That doesn't mean it's not a huge problem though.
4. Pain #8: "The Whining Kid" As soon as you hear the baby voice proclaim that he wants a Transformer for Christmas, you know what's coming. Next, he wants some candy. Then, he has to go to the bathroom at the worst possible time. His frustration starts to boil over as he demands to receive a gift for putting up with the long shopping trip. Finally, as things are wrapping up, the floodgates can hold no longer. A complete meltdown ensues, and now everyone within an earshot of his siren-like sobbing is staring and silently judging. Any parent has been in this situation, and every kid in the world has caused this situation. We are all united in the agony of being a spoiled brat, and we all have the emotional scars to prove it. Good luck, therapists.
3. Pain #3: "Hangovers" As someone who's never been drunk, I can't relate to this too much, but I'm not blind to the struggles I've witnessed over the years. There's nothing worse than going into a holiday party knowing that you went a little too hard during the party the night before. You're going to have to be social, and put on a merry face for as long as you can. When all you want to do is nap, I'm sure that can get to you after a while. I guess you'll just have to keep drinking.
2. Pain #6: "Facing the In-Laws" I must point out that this is in no way an indication of how I felt about the families of my former significant others, but this theme does seem universal. There's an uneasiness that never really goes away around the in-laws, and that's probably a good thing. I for one don't mind the idea of the family I marry into thinking I'm a slightly better person than I actually am. Still, that pressure created is real, and if you don't see eye-to-eye with your in-laws, it can make for a very long holiday season. This is seen perfectly in the last refrain of the line, when the actress sings with defeat, "...Gotta make em dinner." It's one thing to have to spend time with people you don't get along with, and another to have to spend holidays with them, but to have to cook for them, when you know you're going to be judged harshly. It's an unwinnable situation, and you end up begging for it to be over. That's not the attitude you need during Christmas.
1. Pain #2: "Rigging up the Lights" Unless you have the money to pay someone to put your lights up, there's no way around this universal pain in the ass. No one who decides to brighten their home and run up the score on their electric bill is safe from the frustration, and that's what we get from the second pain. We start with a man who seems to acknowledge the pain and the purity of the act at first, but then the dominos start to fall the wrong way. They don't have any extension cords. The lights start blinking. Then they go out completely. A fuse is blown, literally and metaphorically. Then, like the child before him, the meltdown reaches its Chernobyl-esque crescendo: he stomps off and gives up. Some of us have been there, some of us simply witnessed our parents reaching that point. But anyone who listens to "The Twelve Pains of Christmas" must acknowledge how frustrating the process is, and how funny this song is because of it.
I'm sure you guessed it if you read this far, but I really love this song. It's a staple of my Christmas listening, and I treat myself to a stream of it throughout the year too. I'll leave you with some ideas I'd have if Bob Rivers, who has since retired after an illustrious career in radio and in parody, should ever make a new version:
-Pets ruining everything -Someone burned the dinner -Wearing an ugly sweater -Shipping Delays
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