A long time ago (four movies in this cursed franchise ago, to be exact), I went with my friends to see Fast Six, or whatever the sixth installment of the Fast and Furious franchise is called. I had absolutely no interest in seeing the movie, but I offered no alternative plan and I wanted to make a good impression on the woman who would become my best friend's wife. Fast Five, the movie that was directly before this one, had reignited the hype around the franchise, and The Rock hadn't yet become a steroid-addicted human caricature who plays the same role no matter what movie he's in, so I tried to hold onto some level of hope that the movie would be passable.
Hope is a dangerous thing.
In the middle of the movie, the "Family" the movies have established and have the audacity to try and make you care about are chasing down spies, or terrorists, or whatever. It's a fine enough storyline, albeit recycled, but there's a kicker: Vin Diesel's ex-girlfriend, who died two movies ago in a car explosion, who was revealed to be alive earlier in the movie, is on top of a tank that flips over. Rather than immediately be thrown into the asphalt, she's instead launched at least 75 feet in the air, hurtling towards her second death in three movies. Vin Diesel's "trademark" character, Dom Toretto, sees this, and in a true act of heroism, self-sacrifice, and love, I guess, Dom drives his car directly into the divider on the other side of the bridge while he's on the hood. Somehow, all of this happens so perfectly that Dom is able to catch his undead ex-girlfriend in mid-air, and they land on the hood and windshield of a speeding car. The car stops because of the impact. No visible wounds are created.
The theater remained silent, in awe. I was silently enraged. Finally, I could hold back my disdain for this movie no longer. Loud enough for everyone in the theater to hear, I blurted out: "That is physically impossible." The theater popped with laughter, a more genuine reaction than any other moment in the movie did. I was mentally checked out for good after that moment, and have remained so ever since.
That's not to say that I've remained away from the theater when the other movies in the series have been released, though. There have been more and more entries, and there's likely going to be more. The movies are only getting dumber. Dom Toretto has survived no fewer than four fiery explosions since that moment where he landed on the hood of that car halfway through Fast 6 (or whatever it's called). It was revealed that characters played by Jason Statham (real age: 53) and Vanessa Kirby (real age: 33) are twin siblings. Another member of the "Family" who was presumed to be dead when their car exploded has returned in F9: The Fast Saga, and it may not even make the Top 5 dumbest moments of that movie.
F9: The Fast Saga may not be the dumbest movie in this franchise, but it's definitely got the worst name. The formula is in place, as usual: the crew is separated, living their happy lives as criminals-turned-spies, or whatever. Then, something happens and they get called in to help a shadow government agency. They have to stop a criminal by finding the do-hickey before they do. They find it, but oh no! The bad guy's there, and now he's got the do-hickey! Now they have to find the do-hickey and the bad guy! Will they find them in time? Of course, but to do so, they'll have to push the limits of their skills, and the audience's patience for ridiculousness. And if Rob Dyrdek's still making money off of ridiculousness, you can be damn sure Vin Diesel will be, too.
There's an attempt, at least, to make this one a little more interesting. John Cena becomes the third WWE-actor-turned-movie-actor to enter this franchise, playing Dom's brother that he had never even hinted at in the 6 movies prior to this one that Dom was in. Charlize Theron's villain Cypher is back, mercifully without the dreadlocks she had in the last movie, and continues to be set up as this franchise's answer to Thanos, I guess. And Han, beloved for reasons that have never been explained to me, is back from the dead. There's also L, his "daughter," who is probably going to be in the next one, if people care enough about her. Who knows, and I don't care.
For better or for worse, everything you'd expect to see from a Fast and Furious movie is packed into the bloated two-and-a-half hour runtime of F9. Something something cars, something something mission, something something family, eat your popcorn, listen to Tyrese and Ludacris bicker, see if they give the women something to do (this time, they get their own side quest!), and wait for the next one. There's already ideas being floated of crossing this with the also-should-be-extinct Jurassic World franchise, so you have that to "look forward to." Charlize Theron's character will probably have a new haircut, and will probably be able to control raptors with drones. We'll probably find out that Dom Toretto is part T-Rex. Maybe they'll bring back Dom's dad (played by Clint Eastwood?) so that he and Dom and John Cena can fight a triceratops. Maybe I'll have enough self-respect to not see this movie by myself on a weekend when my Hinge matches stop answering. The possibilities are truly endless.
I know I'm being harsh on a film franchise whose best movie is already almost a decade old, but I'm spoiled, you see. I've watched the Marvel Cinematic Universe actually listen to the feedback people gave them, and make better movies because of it. And sure, there's probably some common threads that people see in that franchise, too. Who knows, maybe that money-printing operation finally slows down at the box office (I haven't had a single friend tell me they're excited for Black Widow, and it comes out in a week). But at least they're trying to do new things, sometimes. The Fast franchise has been stuck in neutral for a while now, and no matter how many different new cast members, plot twists, impossible stunts, or "lit" cameos by Cardi B they throw in, the movies all end up feeling like the same thing again and again. Maybe some people love doing the same thing over and over again. Maybe that's okay for some people. Hell, I eat saltine crackers as a snack. Nothing on them, either. Just dry, salty crackers. But I'll never be watching a dry, salty Fast and Furious movie while I do.
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